God works in mysterious ways.
There was a family owned pizza shop in the small town I grew up in. The family’s son worked there all the time, we were in the same grade. As soon as I turned 16 it was my job to go get the weekly pie. Every time I went up there we hung out and chatted until my order was ready. Junior year the two of us had a history class together. My friend liked him she always talked about it and I never really saw him like she did. You can imagine my surprise when he shook my hand after class leaving a little note with his phone number on it.
Since my friend didn’t mind, I went on a few dates with him and then before it got to the boyfriend-girlfriend point I bailed, the chicken shit way. We had plans for dinner and a movie and I called him to say I was sick. I went out with my girlfriends instead and ended up running into him later that night, classy on my part. He probably never forgave me after that. We definitely didn’t talk much after that instance. I always think of him as the one that got away.
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My mom and I haven’t ever gotten along. I thank God everyday for my Dad because without time, I don’t think I would have made it past being a toddler. As long as I can remember my mom and I were always at each other’s throats. There are pictures of me as a child hugging her and smiling but no memories to go with those. In the same album, watching the time pass as the pages turn, you can literally see the misunderstanding happen.
Since I don’t remember ever getting along I never understood what sparked the dislike. I recall her yelling at my brother and me everyday. It was surprising to learn she could have a conversation without screaming at someone. That conversation wasn’t ever with us but sometimes I would overhear her talk to her friends politely.
Late Fall; when I was in grade school, I came home sick. After the hour bus ride home, I laid on the living room floor and fell fast asleep. She didn’t gently wake me to let me know that dinner was ready, instead she shouted at the top of her lungs saying, “GET UP”. Imagine not feeling well, fast asleep and being woken up by hollering. I thought I was late for the bus. Instead of getting ready for dinner, I started getting ready for school. Rushing downstairs, I grabbed my clothes, got dressed, shot into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth, got my backpack and headed out the door only to realize it was dark out, it wasn’t school time at all. I have plenty more of examples, but I think the point is made.
My brother brought friends over more than I did. It was embarrassing having her yell at me when it was just us but having friends meant she’d yell at me in front of a crowd and possibly yell at them too. Only a few of my friends from school met her. You had to condition them prior to them coming over on the rules of the household. Shoes off at the door, no elbows on the table, eat everything on your plate, etc. Once my brother and I had some guy friends over and she came out squawking. There was a welcome mat and Home Sweet Home sign by our front door and one of the guys commented that both of those items were ironic. This same kid didn’t like his parents at all but I bet after spending a half hour at my parents’ house he was ready to go home.
When I was a teenager, my parents were meeting a couple of friends for dinner one night and invited me along. The female had dated my uncle for quite a long time and my parents kept in touch with her. During dinner she captured a picture of my mother and me. We were looking directly at each other with these confused expressions glued to our faces. I HATE that picture; my mom framed it.
We’ve always been polar opposites, everything I like she despises and vice versa. She likes being called a bitch. She has black hair I have blonde. Sometimes I think our opposites are done by me on purpose. I’ve always had this fear that I’d eventually end up like her. As I get older I see more similarities and it scares me daily.
About 5 years ago things changed. I got pregnant and our relationship started to change for the better. It took me a while to accept that change. I haven’t ever asked her for advice, my dad taught me about the birds and the bees. He was pretty embarrassed when my friend and I asked him what foreplay was…oops. Finally though, finally there was light at the end of our dark relationship.
It’s also during that time I saw myself being more and more like her. The older my kids get the more my parenting styles mimic hers and that scares the DEATH out of me. I don’t want my kids to have the same up bringing as me. It’s not like I was physically abused or anything but I want my kids to remember me laughing and having a good time and know that they can come to me with anything. Instead of yelling and getting spanked with a wooden spoon, I initiate timeouts and talking to them. Having two boys it’s not easy not yelling. Especially when that’s all YOU’VE known but I’m trying.
Recently some events have happened that have disrupted life, as I’ve known it. While I’m not ready to express ANY detail on the situation I know for a fact that I am NOTHING like my mother, not in any shape or form. My entire life I’ve struggled with this, comparing myself to her and hating myself when I show similar traits. I may have some of her DNA but we are as polar opposite as you can get. God works in mysterious ways. He’s now made it shown that my whole life I’ve worried for NOTHING. Even if I loose my cool and yell every once and a while I will still never be her.
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A few years ago, I saw the “one-that-got-away” at a town festival. He had a mohawk and black eye. He mentioned a bar fight he had taken part in. While I’m for the mohwak, the black eye and bar fight are not of any interest to me. It was then that Garth Brooks song came into my mind, “Sometimes I thank God for Unanswered Prayers”. He’s not the one that got away at all. I did. And even with the recent turn of events, I will forever be changed but I know now that I will never be like my mother. For that I thank God.
Pursue Within
xo Jes