This post is not about wiener dogs, but it is about wieners.
Last week I was changing into my pajamas when my oldest walks into the room and says to me, “Mom, your butt’s too big for those undies”.
I didn’t even get mad. That little voice inside of me told me, “someday he’ll appreciate undies like this on a woman.”
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Those of you that know me, know I’m an inappropriate parent, those of you that don’t…well, now you know.
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When I was growing up, I learned about periods, erections and kissing, where everyone else learned about them; on the playground. A few of my friends had older siblings. The siblings informed my friends then my friends came to school and shared their infinite knowledge with the rest of our friend group.
At the time, I felt WELL informed. One might say I felt I had my masters in sex stuff. Obviously my friends, older siblings knew EVERYTHING there was to know about that uncomfortable time in the human experience.
Unfortunately for me, this would not be the first or last time I was misinformed on how things “work”.
When you get your period for the first time everything you heard about it prior to that becomes a lie. “It’s a BEAUTIFUL experience becoming a woman”, is what they tell you. What they mean to tell you is, it’s messy, hurts like hell and you’ll have NO control over your emotions, welcome to womanhood, where now you’ll have to stay until menopause.
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My mom hasn’t ever been generally motherly. In fact I wasn’t even going to tell her that I got my period before I left for school, but I mentioned just incase. She began loading me up with these pads that I swear were little elf mattresses. Tampons were NOT a part of my mothers vocabulary. The use of tampons would later become a massive argument, much like the use of makeup was but that’s another story for a different time.
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My dad and I are very close. Close enough where I thought I could ask him anything and he’d give me honest answers. One weekend morning my friend and I asked him what foreplay was. He asked us what we thought it was to which we responded kissing and he said, “yep that’s it. you got it, and don’t do it until you’re thirty’.
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I decided a long time ago, that I wouldn’t be those types of parents. The ones that let their kids figure it out from other kids or misinform them. Instead I choose to be inappropriate and brutally honest.
My oldest has gone commando for five years. He’s always had clothing sensitivity issues and feels much better when he’s free balling. I worried for him. Now he’s in school and boys play hard, I’m just waiting for the day he comes home after his pants have been pulled down and all the girls have seen his not so wrapped up package. Midway through the second grade and so far so good.
Once he commented about my butt it got me thinking about one thing and one thing only…
Boners.
At the accelerated rate kids are maturing at it won’t be long before we have to tell him to stop playing with his dingy. And worse, when that pretty girl walks by or nice spring breeze hits just right all of a sudden his commando choice might not be the best.
I asked him, before story time, if it would be ok for us to go and check out some under ware possibilities for him. I assured him there was a pair out there that wouldn’t feel scratchy or tight and he might want to think about wearing them full-time. He responded with a “no way, mom”.
Ok, I tried to ease into it, but he’s playing hard ball.
Me: “Have you heard of a thing called a boner?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “You know what a lesbian is but you don’t know what a boner is? What the heck is this world coming to?”
Him: “mom, we know some lesbians that’s how I know about them.”
(Good point…I forgot about that.)
Me: “I’m concerned that you don’t wear under ware because of boners. A boner is what you like to refer to as “my wiener is full” or a “happy wiener”. Boners happen to guys and you won’t be able to control when it happens. I’m thinking if you had an extra barrier to hold it in especially when you’re at school it would really save you.”
Him: “I’ll be fine, mom”
Me: “I don’t think you know what I’m actually talking about! It’s going to look like this…” (I use the sheet on the bed to symbolize his usual attire – track pants – and gesture to no boner, boner with my pointer finger.)
Him: “Oh my gawd, mom” (laughing)
Me: “I’m serious!”
I have a feeling this is going to be an I Told You So moment. Although it is not going to be as satisfying. But it’s like a wise old co-worker once told me, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
Parenting…
Jes xoxo